Crashed To Dust

I have said time and time again that it has been a tough few last years. It has but it has also been really really great. Many nights I cried, many days my head was held down. I am still recovering and knowing how to hold it up again. Except I can't do it on my own. I can do nothing without Him.

I was an excellent girl, no doubt I really was. I felt I lived such a perfect life. I let go of His hand one day and things came tumbling down, it was bad decision after bad decision. Some things also just happened to me and I wondered why, well it is really because I walked that road and therefore collided with those encounters.

God took all my camouflage away, my excellent academic camouflage, my bubbly personality camouflage, I think even my hair broke cause of Him haha. You know in this day and age it is so easy to put on a face so that you feel and show to be alright yet deeply you are empty.  However for me their was nothing to spare I lost the shine.

I lived in the past for so long, I wondered how I was once that girl. The reason I write this today is because, I am beyond grateful for the experience. Walking through that desert I learnt only to rely on Him. He taught me dependence yes dependence, dependence on Him. I could not have a nice day if I did not look up to Him. I could not smile if He did not shine on me. He became and has become my life, my breathe, my existence, my best friend, my pain, my sorrow, my joy, my pout, my sunlight, my rainy day and my love. He is truly my all.

I now do not have to present myself for the appraisal of man. I now feel no hurt when insulted. I now have nothing to prove to myself or to anyone. All I care about is God. I have become sensitive towards people's needs, I have gotten better with service, I have increased in esteem, I have become a slave to God and a liberated soul from the world. 

It is still a journey that I am walking. I have become more aware of worldliness and more drawn to holiness. I have learnt to trust and be filled and satisfied in Him. I have learnt that I need to decrease and He needs to increase. God is my life, there's never taking that away from me. He is the only constant, the only truth, the only home that I know and I will ever know.

Love always, Hilda.