Crashed To Dust

I have said time and time again that it has been a tough few last years. It has but it has also been really really great. Many nights I cried, many days my head was held down. I am still recovering and knowing how to hold it up again. Except I can't do it on my own. I can do nothing without Him.

I was an excellent girl, no doubt I really was. I felt I lived such a perfect life. I let go of His hand one day and things came tumbling down, it was bad decision after bad decision. Some things also just happened to me and I wondered why, well it is really because I walked that road and therefore collided with those encounters.

God took all my camouflage away, my excellent academic camouflage, my bubbly personality camouflage, I think even my hair broke cause of Him haha. You know in this day and age it is so easy to put on a face so that you feel and show to be alright yet deeply you are empty.  However for me their was nothing to spare I lost the shine.

I lived in the past for so long, I wondered how I was once that girl. The reason I write this today is because, I am beyond grateful for the experience. Walking through that desert I learnt only to rely on Him. He taught me dependence yes dependence, dependence on Him. I could not have a nice day if I did not look up to Him. I could not smile if He did not shine on me. He became and has become my life, my breathe, my existence, my best friend, my pain, my sorrow, my joy, my pout, my sunlight, my rainy day and my love. He is truly my all.

I now do not have to present myself for the appraisal of man. I now feel no hurt when insulted. I now have nothing to prove to myself or to anyone. All I care about is God. I have become sensitive towards people's needs, I have gotten better with service, I have increased in esteem, I have become a slave to God and a liberated soul from the world. 

It is still a journey that I am walking. I have become more aware of worldliness and more drawn to holiness. I have learnt to trust and be filled and satisfied in Him. I have learnt that I need to decrease and He needs to increase. God is my life, there's never taking that away from me. He is the only constant, the only truth, the only home that I know and I will ever know.

Love always, Hilda.

Forgiveness

As my holiday comes to an end one thing that I know I have learnt is forgiveness. I let people I know that have hurt me that they are forgiven and they let me know that I am forgiven by them. More than this though is the forgiveness of God that I came to be in reality with.

Psalms 32 has just done it for me and I am more than grateful for the Scriptures! Thank you God that we can read about life in the Bible; life in you.

If you have known me for the last 3 years you probably think I am the most confused person. I was confused, I would say this one minute then the next minute I do the exact opposite. It is not an easy place to be, confusion is horrible. It is up to this holiday that I came to know what caused the state of my confusion. The reason has always been the feeling of guilt towards God. I sinned against Him and did it over and over then came back asking for forgiveness, I did not even take myself seriously at some point. I was so inconsistent in my walk with God, it was unbelievable.

Having come to full repentance I now feel steady and very encouraged. I will just quote bits and pieces of the Psalm so that you as well may be encouraged and realise that God forgives, He forgives more than 70 times 7 times. He is a great God, you just got to know HIM!

Psalms 32.1 

      Blessed is the one

    whose transgressions are forgiven,

    whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the one

    whose sin the Lord does not count against them

    and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,

    my bones wasted away

    through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night

    your hand was heavy on me;

my strength was sapped

    as in the heat of summer.[b]

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you

    and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, “I will confess

    my transgressions to the Lord.”

And you forgave

    the guilt of my sin.

So exactly like the Psalmist my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long, I was depressed I have lost a lot of weight since the days I lived right, I was not ok. Life was not clear and I was empty inside I did not know what or where I was going with this precious gift of life that God has given me but I tell you today I stand a forgiven daughter. I will be mocked and laughed at because people think I will fall back to the foolishness that once sapped my strength as in heat of summer. I may stumble but I will not fall. Blessed are they that there strength is in Him, my strength is in the Lord's and that my friend that is a big statement. I do not stand ashamed and defeated anymore for His forgiveness has come I am a new creation, I am running the race of life to attain my prize of eternal glory hand in hand with my Jesus. I am free, free from all condemnation for in Jesus Christ there is now no condemnation! God is good!!

May you come to reality with your forgiveness in Christ.